Friday, May 9, 2014

Truth Be Told

So I took one of those "completely scientific" quizzes the other day to determine the career I am destined for...writer. To which my mom promptly responded, "Didn't I tell you?"

I have never been a loss as to what career I wanted. I wanted to be a teacher. Then I wanted to be a mom. I am mom. And yes, still a teacher.

But truth be told, I am a writer.

I know that these quizzes are not scientific but once I got the results I just went, "Yup." I may not be a fantastic writer or a writer who writes anything that others want to read, but I am a writer.  I think in words that need to be written. I think in words that shouldn't be written.  I think in words that are such a waste of time.  Did I need to "write" that as a Facebook post in my head, revise it five times and then never post to Facebook?

I never proclaimed myself to be a writer because I really don't like or care for most parts of proper English. I don't like grammar, I am a horrific speller and I know that you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but can't figure out how not to do that without sounding uptight. I don't know if I under or over use commas. I don't write in any sort of normal form. Allegories, allusions and the like were my Achilles heel in high school.  My girlfriend was an English major in college and I cringe a little every time I write something that she'll read.  She has never corrected me because, you know, we're friends.  But I know that she's shook her head at me more than once. :)

But truth be told, I like to write.

I feel my feelings through words. I work through things best in words. I want to write more than I do. Part of it is being lazy, but most of it is fear.  There are many people that write in private notebooks or documents on a computer never to be shared. I do some of this. But lots of days I feel like I am supposed to be writing openly.

It scares me because I don't like criticism. I don't like fake praise. I don't like heartfelt, "I know exactly how you feel," statements from people who have gotten a splinter if I am talking about a railroad tie sticking out of my thigh. (Fyi...I have never had a railroad tie sticking out of my thigh.) But more and more often I feel the need to write.

To write about things that truly matter.  Thing that are hard. But things that are true.

If you look back through my previous 175 blog posts, you will find that most of them are "showy." I showed you my card making efforts, baking adventures and home improvement adventures. While there is nothing wrong with these things, the posts were all written to show off something. To become the next Pioneer Woman or a "famous" paper crafter.

The one thing that is still as true about myself as the first day I started this blog is that I am waiting for directions. I don't remember how the title actually came to me but it has quietly become a phrase that has woven itself through my life. Some days I cling to it. Other days I rage at it. Most days I just just nod, smile, look at Adam and know that we are still waiting for directions.

But truth be told, I have come to learn that I will always be waiting for directions from the Holy One.

The one who knows the course my life will take. Who knows why it is winding this way or that way. Who knows when and how much to share with me. Though I keep trying to be in charge, making my own plans, telling Him how my life should go and when it should happen, He is continually teaching me the truth.

I would like to say that I take His directions well. But if you are my parents, sister or husband, you probably know that this isn't the case. I am a redhead. I am stubborn. I am fiery. I need to be in charge and oh man, do I need to be RIGHT! And God knows this about me. He made me. So he also knows how to reach me.  It's usually slapping me upside the head.

Well, no, that's not entirely true.  He really knows that I have patience problem. So He is teaching me to wait. To wait on Him. To wait for directions from HIM instead of making and following through with my own plan. Then He slaps me upside the head with truth and plans that I would have never chosen for myself. Honestly, I usually don't like them.  A lot of them in the past few years have felt pretty crappy.

But truth be told, He is right.

He has never failed to make a bad choice. He has never failed to be unnecessarily hurtful. He has never failed to show me His goodness and love. Sometimes I recognize it right away. Sometimes it takes awhile. But I have come to trust in His goodness and love. I have come to trust that when things seem bad or even "stuck," He is working. He has a plan. And it is good.

I am a writer.
I have a messy, but God directed life.
So, sometimes, I just might write about it.