God is Good

For those of you who normally come here for food pics or crafty things, this is a different type of post...

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"I've faced a great tragedy,

But have seen the works of what you bring

A display of faith that you give,

I don't know if I will ever understand

The depth of what you've done inside

But I know I won't find any worth apart from you.

 

I know that I've been

Given more than beyond measure

I come alive when

I see beyond my fears

I know that I've been

Given more than earthly treasure

I come alive

When I've broken down and given You control."

~"Beyond Measure," Jeremy Camp

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We're moving and life is changing.  My mother will tell you that I don't do change well.  Let me rephrase that.  I love the new adventure.  It's the transition I hate.  The feeling of life out of control.  Stuck somewhere between your old life and your new life.  And completely surrounded by boxes.  Awful, awful boxes.

I feel compelled to write my story.  I'm not sure who will care to read it.  It is not written for my pity or praise.  I want to write this because God is good.  I have seen the works of God.  And I just can't be silent.  Like Peter and John said in Acts 4:20 "For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard."

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Almost three years ago, on May 20th 2006, I married my college sweetheart, Adam.  Two days later we moved to Iowa; Adam had an internship for the summer.  Three months later we moved back to River Falls, WI to finish school.

During the winter of 2007, Adam felt called to worship ministry.  He found a school in Florida and applied.  I started looking for teaching jobs for after graduation.  He was devastated when he was not accepted.  Then came Visible School in Memphis, TN.  Adam got accepted and off we went.

I'll tell you that we both cried that first day after the family had caught their flights home.  We felt so alone.  We felt alone for a while.  Adam had plenty of people that he knew from school, but just didn't connect with any of them.  Same with me at work.

Then we found Living Hope.

I grew up in the Catholic Church.  I grew up in an authentic and real Catholic Church.  I loved it.  I knew God.  We had a relationship. 

Adam grew up in an Evangelical Free church.  Just a little different.  We struggled with where to go to church since we started dating.  We always went to church together.  Sometimes his church, sometimes mine, sometimes both.

In Tennessee we tried a few churches.  The Catholic church down there was more...old...outdated...not alive.  I just couldn't connect.  Through a classmate of Adam's we found Living Hope.  It is a non-denominational church that was real and alive for Christ.

We joined a small group (about 6-10 people who meet once a week to study the sermon, engage in fellowship and be there for each other).  Adam and I didn't start meeting with them until November of 2007, but by the time we left the following February I knew that I could call them anytime, anywhere, no matter how long we had been separated.

During Adam's winter break from school, he started to feel called away from full time ministry and back to agriculture.  We planned  to finish out the school year in TN and then hopefully move back home.  Adam started applying for jobs in January of 2008. 

An email was sent to Adam's old university advisor, asking him to be a reference on the applications.  Just over a week later, Adam had been offered, taken and started a job teaching at the university for the semester.  Didn't see that coming.

Since we knew that it would be short term, we stayed with my parents in MN (they lived 1/2 hour away from the university).  I was able to get a teaching job at the same preschool I worked at all through college.  Then I peed on a stick.

We were pregnant!!

It would be the first grandchild for both of our parents.  I was thrilled!  I started seriously considering becoming a stay at home mom.  My teaching job demanded so much from me that I was exhausted every night.  I knew that I couldn't be a mom and a teacher at  the same time to the level that would make me happy.

We had lived in MN for two moths.  I was about 10 weeks pregnant.  Adam and I were at church and the sermon was about giving your troubles and hardships to God.  Laying them at the foot of the cross.  As we wrote down our biggest struggles, we looked at each other and prayed that God would be with us if anything big did happen.  Our lives had been fairly bland.  We hadn't been tested.  We prayed that we could still be as devoted to God if something awful happened.  We prayed that we would continue to trust him.

Easter 2008 was a great day.  It would be my last healthy day for months.  March 23rd.

I went home sick from work the next day with flu like symptoms.  Went to urgent care and told to stay home the next day.  Probably a virus.  The next night I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance with severe stomach pains.  I was sent home because there was no found cause for the pain, but with strict orders to return if the pain localized.

We went back at 3:30am, Wednesday, March 26th.

I had an laproscopic (sp?) appendectomy later that morning.  We stayed in the hospital that night to monitor the baby.  I went home for three days.  Sunday, March 30th, I was back in the hospital with severe pain.  I spent a week in pain.  By Saturday the doctors had decided to do exploratory surgery.

That night we lost our little boy. 

Our little angel was 13 weeks old and was beautiful.  Aaron.  10 fingers, 10 toes, eyes, ears, nose, mouth.  God's miracle.

Later that day my OB doctor, who had observed the surgery, told us that there was a massive pool of infection sitting right over my uterus.

The week following Aaron's death I seemed to be getting better.  I was allowed to leave the hospital to attend the funeral.  April 11th, 2008.  The same day that Adam and I started dating five years before.  When I returned to the hospital I went downhill fast.  God had kept me strong enough to be able to bury my son.  But I was not healing.

The next day I was transferred to a much larger hospital in the Twin Cities where I would spend the next three weeks with JP drains, NG tubes, wound vacs, PIC lines, lots of CT scans.  By the time I was sent home, it was May 2nd.  5 weeks in the hospital.  Every single night was spent with my wonderful husband sleeping on an awful hospital cot next to me.

I spent almost two months more at my parents' house recovering.  By the time we moved for Adam's new job in July, I was feeling much better but was still easily exhausted and my muscles were very weak.

Adam's new job brought us to Central WI.  I found a job and we started going to Edgewood Community Church.  Our transient livestyle compelled us to jump in and make connections right away.  We taught Sunday school, helped with the high school youth group and joined another small group.

As we've moved along in life this past year, we've found that God was the only place to turn.  We have faced great tragedy but know that God has a plan.  I know without a shadow of doubt that God has a reason for taking my little boy to Heaven so soon.  I don't know if I will ever understand why, but I trust God. 

As Christmas approached, I started to get sad.  There was no little stocking on our tree.  No little one to bundle up and take to church with us.  Then I remembered where Aaron is.  He is in Heaven.  He got to celebrate Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.  I continued to think about my boy in Heaven.  He never had to suffer pain or heartache.  He never had to deal with the troubles that sin creates in our life.  My son is in the safest, most perfect place that a mother could ever hope for her son to be.

Do  I miss my son?  Sure.  Do I wish that I could have seen him grow to be a man?  With every breath I take.  But that is my plan.  God's plan is better.  God's plan is what's best for us.  He knew us before we were born.

Sometime in the past year I also let go of some of my fear of death.  Despite how wonderful Heaven is, I am still human and am attached to worldly things.  But when I die I get to meet my son.  I'm not rushing into traffic to speed up death, but I'm not as worried about what I am going to leave behind.  Aaron is already in Heaven, just waiting for me.  Waiting for his mom.

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So here we are, May 11th, 2009.  About to move again.  And God is all over this move.  Adam had interviewed with John Deere in December for a position that would take us to Iowa and close to some of his family.  After almost three months of waiting, Adam is told that they wanted to offer him the job, but a hiring freeze was put in place and they needed to hire internally.

During the waiting, Adam had applied for another job in the same area of Iowa, but we never heard anything back.  He called to check on the job.  It had just been filled.

Early in March, that company calls Adam, out of the blue, and invites him to apply for another job.  In this economy, who has an employer call you with a job??  Needless to say, Adam ended up getting the job.

I told you the story about my new job already. (Read THIS post.)

The story of our house??  The house we will own in a few weeks??  That's God.  We took a trip to Iowa awhile ago to start house hunting.  Spent all day with a realtor looking at a wide variety of houses.  Nothing struck me.  But we need a place to live.

Later that night we were hanging out with Adam's cousin and his wife, Dallas and Marissa.  She says, "Hey, some friends of our might be selling their house if he gets the job he applied for.  It's really cute.  Do you want to see it?"  Well of course.  Nothing hurt by looking.

I fell hard.  It's great.  You'll see pictures someday soon to see just how great.  Oh, and did I tell you the date??  April 11th.  A significant day for us.

We chatted with Adam and Annie, the owners, for a long time.  My Adam got recruited to play with the other Adam's band.  And Annie is just cool.  Not to mention their 3 cute kids.  I knew that even if we didn't buy their house, we would be friends.

We continued our house search.  Every so often I'd ask Marissa if she'd heard anything new about Adam and Annie.  We got down to the serious, "We need a place to live or we will be homeless!!!" time.  So we planned another trip for house hunting.  A few days before the trip, the other Adam got his job! 

Our house hunting trip started at Adam and Annie's house.  We talked a lot about the house and a lot about life.  Annie is one of the few people that actually brought up Aaron.  So many people just don't know what to say about him that they say nothing.  I don't fault them at all.  Who knows what I would want if you had never been through it.  But I love when people talk about Aaron.  It gives me hope that he will not be forgotten.  It touched me that she acknowledged him.

We told Adam and Annie that we still needed to go look at the other houses, because you just never know.  They were so gracious and even invited us back for pizza later that night!

Nothing compared.  Every other house paled when we thought of Adam and Annie's house.  We wanted it.  And it wasn't even on the market yet.  Long story short, it was a blessing on both sides that we could push through the purchase agreement and are now just waiting for the loan to finish processing.  Closing is planned for May 29th, (my 25th birthday!).  (P.S.  Adam and Annie have an equally amazing story of their journey to this house.  It's not my story to tell, but just know that God has been with them too.)

So here Adam and I sit in transition.  11 days until we move.  17 days until we are homeowners.  20 days until we start our new jobs.  Surrounded by boxes.  But also surrounded by God's grace.  His plan has brought us through the valleys and pushed us to the mountain tops.  We have learned to wait for His directions.  They have not always been easy directions.  They have been painful at times, but they have always been right.  His directions have always brought us to a place in our lives that we would have never thought possible before.  Each turn in the road has brought us closer to Him.  My complete and absolute trust is in Him.  I'll continue to wait for directions.

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"I've faced a great tragedy,

But have seen the works of what you bring

A display of faith that you give,

I don't know if I will ever understand

The depth of what you've done inside

But I know I won't find any worth apart from you.

 

I know that I've been

Given more than beyond measure

I come alive when

I see beyond my fears

I know that I've been

Given more than earthly treasure

I come alive

When I've broken down and given You control."

~"Beyond Measure," Jeremy Camp

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**Sigh** :)

**Warning:  Mushy/Sad/Mushy Stuff to follow!

Well, it's now 2:30am and I haven't been to bed yet.  Just busy crafting and watching sappy movies on Lifetime.  Just thinking about how much I really love my husband.  Like REALLY.  I know that I've loved him since the day we met in the River Falls High School gym almost 6 years ago.  He is my best friend, the person with whom I can share everything about myself.

The whole "leave and cleave" part of marriage I think tends to get all messed up.  What does it mean to become "one" with your spouse?  I don't really know, but I feel like after last spring, Adam and I jumped ahead decades. 

There was one night during my weeks in the hospital that was really BAD.  It was the night after we buried our son.  Beyond emotional pain, I knew that something wasn't right in my abdomen.  After two weeks already in the hospital, I had thought that I was on the mend.  Not so.  That night I had a tube re-inserted through my nose into my stomach, which made me vomit profusely, and was given awful medicine that made awful things happen.  I can't remember a time when I have felt worse. 

But I didn't want my mom or dad.  All I wanted, needed, was Adam.  He is the part of me that makes me whole, because we have been made one.  All through my ordeal we had amazing support from family, friends, nurses and strangers.  But Adam is part of me.     We have left the security and shelter of our parents and created a new #1.  Now, I love my parents (really do Mom and Dad!!) but they are no longer my #1.   Adam, God and Me make up my #1.  Three joined as one.

Now, this does not mean that we don't fight or get annoyed with each other.  Like tonight!  We were in Menards and Adam made some dumb comment.  I snapped at him and walked away.  Later he found me and just kinda talked like things were okay.  After much talking, come to find out that he didn't even know I was mad at him!  Really??  I dunno, I figured I was pretty obvious, but then I am woman and he is a man.  But I love him. 

So I'm not really sure what the point of this post it, but we'll just say that my blog was hijacked by journal tonight.  And I can put whatever I want into my journal!

P.S.  My family is pretty stellar.  My little/only sister had her senior prom while I was in the hospital.  She brought her whole group to the hospital so that I could see her all dressed up.  Kristi's the one in the cute green dress.

Solo Saturday

These are flowers that we got from my parents in memory of Aaron.

 

Harvest is Here!  Adam has officially left me for the fall. :)  Okay, so it's only soybeans right now, so he'll be home around 7pm, but once the corn starts coming in, who knows!  So today is my first day of solitude.  Got up at 9:30, with no alarm clock.  Sat on the computer for awhile, cleaned up some messes, made chili and am working on some cinnamon rolls.  The recipe said to mix with an stand mixer and a dough hook, neither of which I have.  So I kneaded it by hand and am waiting for it to rise.  The dough seems a little dense, so I'm not sure what will happen.

When I was taking this picture off of my memory card for the pic of the day, I noticed that I have a lot of projects to share.  I'll share one or two a day until I am caught up.

 

 

 

So these are "my" famous pumpkin cookies.  They are not really mine (from a cookbook) so I can't give the recipe, but every time I make them and eat one freshly frosted, I swoon.  They are my FAVORITE cookie. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some applesauce that I made a few weeks ago.  We made this at the Y with the preschoolers and it was so easy (and fairly brainless) that I decided to make it for Adam.  It smelled wonderful when it was cooking; it tasted okay.  Probably will find a different recipe next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's all for today.  Need to go check on those cinnamon rolls.

Why are they called "Onesies"?

Really, anyone who has the answer to this question please let me know!!

We have two new babies in the family, Adam's cousins in Iowa.  Both were due the same week as me and came early, making it a little bittersweet, but babies are just exciting and cute so I just have to be happy for them.  One of the dad's called Adam and felt guilty for telling us that his son was born!  Yes, it's hard to hear, but we are so happy for them. 

So, a few weeks ago I saw this post on Nichole Heady's blog.  (She is the owner/designer of Papertrey Ink which is my favorite stamp and packaging store online.)  Well, I knew that these little ones would be getting hand-stamped onsies when God brought them into the world.  I did the first one and literally squealed!  They are so stinking cute!  Now we need more babies so I can make more of these.

Close up:  Don't babies really have a special "scent"??

Couldn't just throw them in a box.  Tied on a little wrist rattle too

Well, and then there were the cards... 

Been working on the design of my Christmas cards (yes already, when you make 70+ it takes awhile!).  Finished Halloween cards and need to do one last set of wedding card packs.  And October calendar pages for Kristi and Grandma.  And make cookies for small group tomorrow.  Hmmm.  That's a lot.

Got a few pics of new things I did to the apartment, will add those later this week.

Oh, and Wednesday afternoon we have a doctor's  appointment with a high risk OB.  Got his name from someone at work.  With everything that happened this spring I am high risk for lots but especially ectopic pregnancy (one of my abscesses was draining THROUGH my fallopian tube!).  My OB in Hudson said that when I do get pregnant again, call Adam but my second call should be to a doctor.  So I decided that we should get a doc on board BEFORE anything happens so that we are ready when we do conceive again.  Which hopefully will be soon. 

Our Mountain of Strength

This past Sunday we went to visit Aaron's marker.  (The words "headstone" and "grave" just don't work for me).  All week before I had been getting little anxiety attacks where I just couldn't think about going.  Right before we walked out the door to leave for  the weekend I started shaking and said I didn't want to go.

When we got there it was okay.  This is his marker:

A close up of the etching:  (note, as long as it is hand-done, etching can be done in any size, don't listen to the people telling you it can't be done)                                                      

Part of the reason that I was able to hold myself together on Sunday was because the marker was placed in the wrong spot.  If you look at the picture below, you can see Aaron's marker on the left.  It should be right below Adam's feet, on the OTHER side.  Just another thing before we are done with this matter.

This picture I like for some reason.  My red toes peeking out make me smile.

October 9th

October 9th

October 9th

"Should" have been October 9th.  Not April 6th. 

It was too soon for me.  Aaron "should" still be in my belly.  Or maybe he would have come early.  But not April 6th.  He came too soon.  He left too soon.  He "should" be here.  I "should" have been buying him ones-ises, not just my cousin's baby.

But "should" is the wrong word.  I wanted all of these things, but I wasn't guaranteed them.  God knew.  He has a plan.  For some reason, His plan included taking Aaron to Heaven on April 6th, not bringing him to Earth on October 9th.  I don't know why and I don't really understand.  But I'm not supposed to.  But that doesn't make it easy.  It's really, really hard.  Harder as October 9th gets closer.

We're going to visit his ... grave ... on Sunday.  Wow, that's a hard word to type.  Just rips the hole in my heart wide open.  I am a mom.  My child is not with me, but I have a son.  And I have to visit his grave.  I never thought I would feel the need a visit a grave.  It's not like Aaron is really there.  He's in Heaven with his Father.  But I need to visit his grave.

I need to do something on October 9th.  Something.  I can't let that day pass like any normal day.  It's not.  But what?  We won't feel like it's a celebration.  But we don't want to make it worse than it already will be.  We can't visit his grave that day, it's too far away.

Watched 7th Heaven yesterday.  There was a boy who went missing and the ensuing search.  At the end they showed pictures and info of actual missing children.  How awful.  My mom heart broke.  We didn't even, well, I guess we didn't even really get to know Aaron, but I can still feel how terrified I would be if he went missing.

He's not missing though.  He's just not here with me.  God, it's so hard.  It hurts.  Your path is not easy, yet I know it is right.  Please watch over Aaron until we can join him.  Let him watch us.  Learn about his Mom and Dad.  See how much we love him and can't wait to see him again.  Help him to be a part of his future siblings lives.  Be a part of our family.  I'll be waiting always, Lord, for you to show me your path.  Waiting for directions.  Whatever lies on that path, I'll follow.

My own fault

I know I shouldn't watch that show now.  Why should I?  I know what it will do to me.  It always starts out fine, but by the end, I just feel sad.  TLC's "A Baby Story" used to be one of my favorite shows.  Today's episode was a couple that had one child, then two miscarriages, a still born child, two more miscarriages and now finally a child carried to term.  Wow.  I am struggling after losing one child.  I can't imagine how this woman feels.

Like I said.  I shouldn't have watched it.  Then I saw a picture on one of the blogs I read of a couple and their newborn in the hospital.  My due date wasn't until October 9th, but a month early is not uncommon.  That could have been Adam, Aaron and I.  I think this is going to be a hard month.  No matter how much I talk to my mom, Adam is the only one that gets it.  He was our little boy.  Is.  He's just with his Father in Heaven.

Waiting.  Waiting to see if God will bless us with another child.  Hoping.  Praying. Waiting.

Another day of "excitement"

At least do SOMETHING! This is what I try to tell myself everyday. Because if possible, I would want to be a stay at home wife (and someday mom). Yet, the fact that I know nobody and am not real outgoing is not helping me to find stuff to do. Not like I'm in any position to meet new people. Don't really have a church home yet and therefore can't meet anyone there. Want to get a YMCA membership, but can't do that until I get a job. And, if I'm honest, there is plenty to do here. Like the room of, well, nuclear fall out. I could spend a couple weeks on that room, if I wanted to. I could scrub floors. I COULD do a lot. Hmm...yet I don't. I could do LOTS of scrapping and papercrafting, but I don't. Mom, yes, you've always been right. The more time I have, the less that I do. It's really a sickness. Or a talent, the ability to waste ungodly amounts of time.

That being said, today was semi-productive. Went grocery shopping, did some dishes, took Mel to the vet, where I bought...a gentle leader!! I can see you all jumping up and down with excitement since you know EXACTLY what that is. ;) It's a "headcollar," not a muzzle, like a on a horse. If you've ever met my dog (who is NOT in the picture on the right) she is a very happy, excitable pup who LOVES to explore. In other words, she is constantly tugging till she gags on the leash and pulls so hard when she meets someone that she ends up standing on her back feet. So the vet recommended the gentle leader. Watched the video, fitted it, got her used to wearing it. Walk? Should I try it? I did. OMG!! I would have paid $500 for this thing! She is a completely different dog when she has this thing on. Before I needed both arms and all of my strength to control her. Now, just two fingers. Adam was pretty impressed too. Read up on it. Makes a lot more sense than a regular collar/leash combo.

Okay. Putting the soapbox away. Thinking more about my job dilemma. Haven't heard anything more, but doing a lot of thinking. Really, can I work with kids right now, this fall? Especially when I'd probably end up subbing in the infant room? Aaron's due date was October 9th. The closer it gets, the more Adam and I think about what we would have been doing right now. Was in Shop-Ko the other day and just stood running my fingers along the cribs for a while. Hmm. So I ask myself: Would it be a bad or a good thing to work around little kids this fall? To hold and care for little babies while only thinking about the one that I'll never get to cuddle with?

Yeah...directions God. I think I'm reading them correctly, but maybe you'd better send some more, to make sure I don't make a wrong turn. I'll be waiting.