Wednesday, September 17, 2008

October 9th

October 9th

October 9th

"Should" have been October 9th.  Not April 6th. 

It was too soon for me.  Aaron "should" still be in my belly.  Or maybe he would have come early.  But not April 6th.  He came too soon.  He left too soon.  He "should" be here.  I "should" have been buying him ones-ises, not just my cousin's baby.

But "should" is the wrong word.  I wanted all of these things, but I wasn't guaranteed them.  God knew.  He has a plan.  For some reason, His plan included taking Aaron to Heaven on April 6th, not bringing him to Earth on October 9th.  I don't know why and I don't really understand.  But I'm not supposed to.  But that doesn't make it easy.  It's really, really hard.  Harder as October 9th gets closer.

We're going to visit his ... grave ... on Sunday.  Wow, that's a hard word to type.  Just rips the hole in my heart wide open.  I am a mom.  My child is not with me, but I have a son.  And I have to visit his grave.  I never thought I would feel the need a visit a grave.  It's not like Aaron is really there.  He's in Heaven with his Father.  But I need to visit his grave.

I need to do something on October 9th.  Something.  I can't let that day pass like any normal day.  It's not.  But what?  We won't feel like it's a celebration.  But we don't want to make it worse than it already will be.  We can't visit his grave that day, it's too far away.

Watched 7th Heaven yesterday.  There was a boy who went missing and the ensuing search.  At the end they showed pictures and info of actual missing children.  How awful.  My mom heart broke.  We didn't even, well, I guess we didn't even really get to know Aaron, but I can still feel how terrified I would be if he went missing.

He's not missing though.  He's just not here with me.  God, it's so hard.  It hurts.  Your path is not easy, yet I know it is right.  Please watch over Aaron until we can join him.  Let him watch us.  Learn about his Mom and Dad.  See how much we love him and can't wait to see him again.  Help him to be a part of his future siblings lives.  Be a part of our family.  I'll be waiting always, Lord, for you to show me your path.  Waiting for directions.  Whatever lies on that path, I'll follow.


Tina, Ryan and Olivia said...

I have to say I do not understand what you are going through right now..the only scare we had with Olivia was the possibility of her having Cystic Fibrosis, something we could not test for until she was born. Although, I my pain cannot compare with yours, another dear friend lost her 4th child at 19weeks...the same week I found out Olivia could have CF. You are always in my prayers and thoughts. And I hope this will bring some short of hope for you around Oct. 9th...God granted my friend with a beautiful baby girl and He has yet again given her the unexpected gift of life again. You have a plan and He knows it...the time was not right. Hang in there...

Glamorous Life of a House Wife said...

Wow. I admire your strength in this time. I will say a prayer for you as his actual due date approaches. I am so, so terribly sorry for your loss. But I look forward to seeing what God is doing through you because of it.

The W.O.W. factor said...

Oh Patti, my heart hurts for you...I wish I could wrap my arms around you, hold you (like I did when you were a baby...), take the tears, the pain from you...
None of us know God's plan, we just need to trust in Him, take His hand and follow...
{{{{{HUGE HUG}}}}} for you, Sweetie!
Love you and Adam tons!

Joy said...

Oh, It is so hard to lose a baby before you get to know him. My heart aches for you. There is comfort in knowing where he is and that you will see him again. And now you have an angel looking out for you here who you know by name.