We are in the final days of packing around here. Which means that I have become "stress-paralyzed." The list of things to accomplish looms at me and I want to just go hide in my closet and hope it completes itself. Once Nora goes down for a nap or bed, I should work. But I don't. I zone and ignore the boxes.
I went to see a movie with some friends tonight and on my way home I just kept driving. I told Adam that I just needed to drive and listen to music for a bit. My husband, who is awesome, said, "Ok. I'll just keep packing." Oh, the Lord gave me a good man.
As I drove I realized that I miss commuting.
For most of my "working" life, I commuted 20-30 minutes each way. Lots of times I heard, "Uhhg, that's too bad." But it never bothered me. It was time on the way to work to get my head cleared and ready to go. It was time on my way home to wipe away the craziness and prepare to be home. I called girlfriends, my parents and my sister, even invested in an earpiece at the insistence of my mother. I zoned. I gripped the wheel and prayed to stay on the road while driving on ice in the middle of an Iowa blizzard.
I worshiped the Lord. I settled in His grace. His words washed over me and built me up. I cried tears of pain and tears of hope.
There is a special way that music sounds to me in a car. It is trapped in the small space with me. It envelops me. I can listen to it LOUD. I can sing LOUD. I can cry HARD. I can get lost in the moment and just be with God in a way that I rarely can anywhere else.
These days my commute consists of rolling out of bed and walking five steps to Nora's room. My job is fantastic. There are very few days where I don't want to go to "work." It's definitely hard and challenging but I know it is what I was placed here to do.
But a little commute would be nice. ;)
I know there are ways that I can check-in (or out) while at home. I need to work on doing this better. But to be honest, I'm not the most disciplined person. If there is a tv available, I'll most likely turn it on and lose an hour. If my phone is available, I'll keep checking this app and that app and lose another hour. When I am driving by myself, there is no tv. I can't look at my phone. It is harder to get side-tracked into wasting time.
Right now I don't have a solution. But tonight I created a commute. And it was great. And I feel better. I feel connected. I feel peace. When I stop and listen, God always show up.
You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on
Bethel Music - "Shepherd"
P.S. Anyone worried that I am not paying attention to the road, I never actually check out of driving. And I never would do this in traffic or bad roads.