Saturday, April 18, 2015

One.

So here’s the thing: I am hurt. I am hurt and I am healing. I am waking back up to a world that I've been avoiding. I’m waking up to see that this new world can be good. That it IS good. That this good world for me is from my God. That He loves me and knew that this was always going to be my world, even when I was blind. He knew that this was the world meant for my good.
The world where I am a mother of one child on earth.

One.

I love you, Nora Jean. You are precious and precocious. You are sweet and full of spunk. You are snuggly and goofy and I love watching you become who God made you to be.

But I had planned more for you. More for me. I had planned brothers or sisters. Lots of them. Ones that you could wrestle with, ride bikes with, share secrets with. Ones that would drive you crazy, break your toys, try to tag along with your friends and fight with you.

A family with loud, crazy car trips. A family who fills a whole dinning room table. People you could call someday when I am being a crazy mom and say, “Yeah, I know.” People who have known you always.

I wanted a minivan full of kids. I wanted to fill the kitchen counter packing lunches someday. I wanted to watch my kids play with each other and grow up together. I wanted…I wanted…I wanted…

Yet what I have come to grips with is that I am limiting God. I am not trusting in His good plan for my life. I am not trusting in His good plan for Nora’s life. He has been whispering to me for awhile that I will not have more children. He’s been whispering and I've been terrified to admit that I've heard Him. Because I trust my God. He has shown me time and time again His goodness and mercy and love. I trust Him. I've followed His plan for me all around this country, through many trials. But to trust that this is really how my life was meant to be?

I am working on it. My big heart is there. It’s healing. It’s accepting the fact that I will have only one child to raise. It’s starting to feel whole. The little, small parts of my heart are still grieving. Grieving for MY plan for my family. 

Those little parts are still allowing Satan to speak lies to me……
…people are going to keep asking when you’ll have more, it’s gonna hurt hear that.
…they’ll tell you to believe in a miracle, shouldn't you trust God for a miracle?
…just giving up on fostering or adoption, that’s pretty selfish.
…is it really so wrong to wish for something different?

Last weekend at church, our pastor talked about trusting in God. Even when you don’t know the whole path, just the next 40 ft. My next 40 ft is a life with only one child in my home. I KNOW this to be true. I don’t know what God has for me later on but I know that I’m not supposed to look farther. He has called me to find peace with this new (to me) world. Learn to stop asking, “When will there be more?” Learn to love my family as being complete.

To be joyful, not just happy, with one.

3 comments:

JessicaAnderson42 said...

This is so painfully, beautifully written. I love you and your wonderful family, and pray that your heart continues to heal, that your trust in God's plan continues to grow, and that you find that joyful place.

Tanya Runkle said...

Thank you for sharing these beautiful and painful places in your heart friend 💜 He is faithful and will finish the work He began!!!

Haley said...

I love your honesty and that you are so brave to share such a painful and ongoing struggle. You faith is so inspiring. You are right, His plan for you is beautiful. You are so loved.